Peace & Resolutions

“Peace, they say, is the enemy of memory. So it had been for my boys. For some time now, their past had felt like a dream. Then, suddenly, it was back.”


My husband will be so proud that I am quoting Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day. Honestly, I think this quote is so insightful. Whenever I come to a quiet period in my life, when all things seem to be sailing smoothly, and when I feel at peace, I tend to forget what got me here. My memory of the events, actions, and prayers that have gotten me to a point of peace in my journey of life seem to become more and more distant in my mind until it almost feels like it was so long ago. Then, suddenly, it comes back.

There are times, my dear friends, that I have doubts. I question why God allows me to go through trials and temptations. My husband recently quit his job and we jumped in whole heartedly (after a day of processing) trusting that God will provide for us in every way including Trey’s paycheck.

Trey started a new job (a 100% commission job) that was looking very promising at first, but over the past month has, in many ways, proved to be somewhat disappointing. And since I am a first born, I like/need to have a plan and things in order. I like to have a set budget every month and know exactly what income we should be expecting each month, but alas, that is not how it works with 100% commission. If Trey doesn’t sell, we don’t get paid. I think the most frustrating thing is that Trey has been selling successfully. He works harder than most people I know (including myself most of the time) and has been successful in the sense that he has “sold” 7 times now. We have only gotten a paycheck for 2. Why? People, who in the past have not been good with their credit, have been declined, 4 times out of the 7 sales Trey has made. Now, mostly I am very glad that Trey’s company is responsible in the fact that they won’t just lend to anyone, and it seems that they don’t make it easy to qualify risky investors, but Trey has worked so hard (2+ hours at each time) and sees no benefits for those “sales”, which then of course makes figuring out our bills all that much more tricky since the last time he has gotten a paycheck is December 22nd 2010 and if he does sell another one this week we won’t see that paycheck until next week at the earliest. All that said, lately it seems that peace has been somewhat evasive and doubts about God’s provisions are creeping in our minds more and more.

I am not saying all this for anyone to feel sorry for us or to put our hands out for money. The only “charity” we need at this point is prayer. Pray with us that we remember who our God is: the Provider for our every need; so that the doubts in our minds may subside and the peace that only God can bring about will reign in our minds again. Pray with us that we remember how blessed we have been in our lives. Pray with us that we remember to view life eternally, and not live in the temporary. Basically what I am saying is that in my heart, I know all of this to be true, but my head sometimes lags behind.

After careful consideration and prayer, I resolve to you for 2011, to end the year viewing life more eternally. What does that mean? That means, that instead of viewing life through the lens of worry about life here on earth (family drama, bills, what to eat, etc.), I want to see life here on earth through God’s perspective. I am still trying to pray, read, meditate, and decide what that looks like, but I especially desire, at the end of my life (not just the end of this year, since sometimes I can be dense, it might take a lifetime of learning), no matter how short or long it is, to be at peace about dying.

I know, kinda morbid for January 3rd 2011, but to be honest, I’m not sure I would be at complete peace about it right now at this moment in my life. I was having a discussion with my dad about 2 months back about this same issue. When life is comparatively pretty good on earth, it becomes harder and harder to be willing to “give up” what you have (family, friends, cars, houses, etc). I doubt my mantra would be “Lord, not my will but yours be done” when it comes to losing people, comforts of life here on earth, or even my own life. I doubt my mind would be on the eternal; the overall plan of what God has in store for us. I saw an interview recently with Matt Chandler who is a young pastor with a wife and kids who has recently battled cancer that should have taken his life and left his wife a widow and kids without an earthly father. He had times of doubt, but in his interview, he came to the conclusion that his situation was “Somehow for my joy and His Glory”. So profound. I think I can wrap my head around the idea that the death of my current life, whether it is from losing someone, thing, or my own life, is for God’s glory. I’ve been taught that idea before, but the thought that this is for my joy? How does suffering increase my joy?

Not saying I have the answer or the ability to ever fully understand this concept until I met God, but my resolution for this year, is to strive to understand it better by praying, reading my Bible, talking to other people, and meditating so please, ask me about it and keep me accountable.

A Franciscan Blessing

Social Justice has been on my mind lately. What is it in my life? How do I respond to it as a Christ follower? Here is a Franciscan Blessing that I am praying over for the next several weeks (keep me accountable).

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. Amen.

My God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace. Amen.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy. Amen.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done. Amen.

And the Blessing of God, who Creates, Redeems and Sanctifies, be upon you and all you love and pray for this day, and forever more. Amen.

Just a side note-Sarah (who I’ve written about on my blog before) needs prayer. Plus she has an upcoming wedding :-) Keep her in your prayers so that God may be glorified by her story.  Here is her blog: http://sarahchidgey.blogspot.com/

Contentment

Well friends-this has been a long time coming. I truly feel a peace that surpasses all understanding when it comes to my journey in life. Don’t get me wrong…there are times when I still don’t understand why Trey does not have a more permanent job or why God has us back in a university setting when I planned on being done with that by now. There are still times when I am wanting, desiring, and planning for the next event to happen in life, but I can say that my God has been faithful. I have prayed for peace, prayed for acceptance, prayed for contentment in ALL circumstances and it is the strangest feeling in the world to feel contentment more often than I feel “cheated” out of what I had planned for my future. It is freeing to know that God has me exactly where I am supposed to be. It is awe-inspiring to truly feel the peace that surpasses all understanding (Phil 4:7) and to know that God HAS answered my prayers. No, Trey does not have the job that we wanted for him to have and Yes, the dreams we had for when we were 2 years into our marriage have changed, but I can praise God knows me best and I am exactly where I should be.


God has been faithful and brought me to a place of praise. He has shown me how blessed we are and reassured me that we are seeking after Him and His will as we are making decisions in our lives. As I was talking to the lovely ladies of LINK last night during our home group, I mentioned that when I feel like taking back control of my circumstances instead of letting God have them, when I worry and fret over things I cannot change, when I plan and scheme how to change my current surroundings, then I put myself above God. I think I know better than the God of the universe. How arrogant I can be. God-take my pride so that I might better glorify You with all of the honor and glory You deserve.

I have discovered that God uses human circumstances to help us look around at others who are hurting, who do not have the hope of a Savior, who do not have a peace that surpasses all understanding, so that we can come along side them and lift them up to show them who God is, why He loves us, and how He can give them peace. Don’t get me wrong. God is more than capable to do whatever He wants to do, whenever He wants to do it. My God is more powerful, more capable, and so much bigger than anything we can conceive. But that doesn’t mean that we can do enough good, pray hard enough, or read our Bible long enough so that we never suffer on this earth. Not the way it works and thank God for that. Seriously. If we got what we wanted all the time, could you imagine what kind of spoiled little children we would act like? The point is that this world is far from perfect. If it were perfect, why would we need God? If our lives were only ever good, despite our sin, I shudder to think what that would be. God-I praise You for who You are and for loving me enough to save me from this world.

Psalms 66:20

God deserves praise, for he did not reject my prayer of abandon his love for me!

broken heart

So this is new for me. My heart has felt broken this week for a person that I have only met once. I have felt sad before when it comes to people that I don’t really know, but this weekend I feel like my heart has been broken. A 27-year old woman and her now husband face stage 4 cancer in her lungs. 27 years old. I cannot even imagine, fathom, or even begin to put myself in her shoes. Her journey is so much more complex than mine is, and yet she faces it with a peace and comfort that only God can give. To be honest, I have struggled with how one deals with this and I only have one conclusion: God.

I keep thinking, how would I handle this? Would I be able to come to the peace that Sarah has found while facing such a huge and painful journey ahead? Although I have only met her once, I know from my brother and sister-in-law that she is an incredible person who follows after Christ with her whole heart and knows that God is bigger than hair loss, taking off from a job she loves, and a rare sarcoma. God is bigger than rearranged wedding plans, family plans, and whatever future plans she had made for herself. God is bigger than cancer in a young woman with so much life ahead of her.

I also know that God is a provider. He has provided her with a community of believers, in Houston and beyond, that will surround her, pray for her, and do everything humanly possible to lift her up. He has provided her with a family who loves and supports her. He has provided her with a husband who will be there to hold her hand, her hair, and her heart as she faces this new journey ahead. And most of all, He has provided her with the knowledge that HE is God. HE is the great “I AM”. He is the Alpha, the Omega, the beginning and end. There is nothing outside of HIS control.

Man…what a humbling thing. I came away from my weekend full of hope for Sarah and for myself. Our God is the definition of Goodness, Grace, Mercy. He is our Provider, Redeemer, and Healer. My God is bigger and greater than anything we face on this earth and Praise Him for that! He will provide the peace if we rely on Him to take care of us. He will give us a peace that doesn’t make any sense…the peace that shouldn’t be humanly possible because it isn’t: it is from God. That is where Sarah finds her peace and that is why I can look at all the pain in this world and know that even though life supremely sucks sometimes, my God is bigger and He will see us through.

Sarah-we will be praying for you and your husband Eric and your family as God takes you through this journey. Pray with me.
http://sarahchidgey.blogspot.com/

Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

multiple journeys

I have been thinking lately about how multiple journeys affect our lives. There is never just one destination point in front of you. There are always multiple places that your messy life is trying to take you. Even if you intentionally focus on one thing at a time, another one pops up.


What does this mean? God doesn’t give you just one journey…only one focus. That would not be realistic as humans. We have work, school, spouses, kids, 401Ks, money, etc. Statistically with everything we have going on in our lives, not everything, and very rarely do most things work out just like we expected, so why do we try? Why is it that I try to hold on so tightly to my ideas and expectations and plans that never go “right”? Simple answer: Pride. In trying to control the “chaos” of my life, I so arrogantly find a false sense of security, a false hope, that I am the one who ultimately can conduct the outcome.

Why is it that I cannot, will not give control over to the God of the universe who already has control? In my head it makes sense. I understand the concept of letting God lead my life. My brain can wrap around the idea that God is so much bigger, smarter, wiser than I could ever be therefore why shouldn’t I be willing to “lose” control and give it to God. Yet, my feet are not willing to step forward. Every time I try to take a step, my feet begin to tremble and I tell God “not this time, next time I’ll let you take control.” Foolish. Or I will give God control of the little things, the things He can “handle”. “Ok God, I’ll give you control of my health, but my relationship with Trey, I need to hold onto. I wouldn’t want to put too much on your plate, God.” Arrogance. To me this is theoretical math: good in theory, but how do I use this practically?

We are on more than one journey in life. We, as Christians, are at a constant struggle in our lives for what our spirit knows is right, yet our feet just won’t listen. As I wait on my destination point for my health journey, or work journey, or trying to sort out what to do about Trey’s master’s degree, I have started to lose the journey. The thing I set out to do, enjoy the journey, enjoy the path that God has put me on, seems so unattainable sometimes. Listen to this: it is hard to enjoy the journey, when you are the driver.

When I take control and take the wheel and push God to the back seat, I become tense, tired, and irritable. In theory I don’t want to drive, but in practice, I can’t seem to help myself. I have to decry my control issues daily, hourly, minutely and remember how beautiful the road is from the back seat. How much greener the trees look, how much fluffier the clouds look, and how much more relax I feel when you can actually look at something beside the road.

God I give you control today, this hour, this minute. Not for just one of my journeys. For all of them. Take all of them from me. Already my heart grieves for my pride and arrogance that I cannot be rid of apart from Christ. Holy Spirit-sanctify me so that I may be perfected in my faith.

Romans 7:24-25
Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.

when God gives you rest

So I have been trying to decide what to blog about for the past several weeks. Yes, for WEEKS I’ve been contemplating what would be worthwhile to put on my blog. I have come to a realization today. Nothing has been truly noteworthy in my life. No subject has grabbed hold of my brain and won’t let go.


I keep going back and forth as to whether this is a bad thing or not. On the one hand, I tend to identify with a story I heard a while back. There are these men who have been held captive in a hostile environment. For months they have been praying and seeking after God despite their horrendous circumstances. Once they have been saved, they wish and desire for their captivity back. They desired not their captives or their circumstance, but their complete dependency on God. They had this bond with God that was so deep, so close, so earth shaking to them that ordinary life was just not bearable. The greatest comfort they found outside of heaven was through hard times. Sometimes I feel that. Sometimes I long for a new trial to pass my way so that I might hunker down and remember that I am not enough. That I am not complete within myself. My God completes me in all of His wisdom, strength, love, everything that He is which is so much greater than me. There is a lot to be said about trials. You learn so much about yourself and who you are in Christ once you go through them and wake up on the other side a stronger, more resilient person. There is a comfort in knowing that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).

Then, there is the other side of the coin. We are in a time of rest. There are decisions that still need to be made in our lives, but Christ used my last trial of insecurity about our future to remind me that I can do this. I can rely on God and God alone for my strength, for my security, for my peace of mind as we don’t even know what tomorrow brings much less next month. I have found that as we continue to step forward in deciding what to do with Trey’s grad school/job, my steps have become less timid and more bold. I have found that each day gets easier for me to say and actually believe that “God is in control.” He cares about me more than the “birds of the air” or the “lilies of the field” (Matthew 6:25-34). He cares about me so much that “even all the hairs on [my] head are numbered” (Matthew 10:30). Therefore, God cares about the destination points of my life that are most important to me. He will provide us a way to go and follow Him if we are faithful to seek after Him, and we are. That being said, the Holy Spirit has given me comfort and the ability to FINALLY not worry about these things. Right now, God is giving me a rest, and I am thankful. He knows what I can handle and has given me a time to look back at what I have learned, and love my time He gave me to hunker down and finally find peace in Him.

As I have been writing this, I have come to a conclusion: I am satisfied in all of my circumstances. Praise God for rest, because I know He is not finished with me. There will be more trials. There will be more temptations. There will be more times when I feel like I am beating my head against a wall but nothing is getting through. But for now, I rest in His arms not knowing what is to come, but knowing regardless, He will give me strength.
 

Philippians 4:12-13
I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

my soapbox

I apologize in advance if I go on a rant during this blog.  This idea is something that wells up inside me and irritates me to no end.

Social programs...not just social programs...ineffectively run social programs.  This issue does not bother me for perhaps the obvious reason.  The thing is, we NEED these programs.  Our country would be in awful shape without them.  We would have adults without food, clothing, water, health care, basic human rights.  We would have babies with hungry bellies, kids without lunch at school, children getting a sub par education.  We would see more pain, more anguish, and a greater class divide than already exists.  Yes...I know that people take advantage of the situation.  I know that there are mothers who will keep having babies in order to get more welfare.  I know that there are men who will continue to sit around and take unemployment with no thought of getting a job.  I know that every time a hand is out, not every hand needs to receive what we all have worked to earn.  But I also know that even though that woman keeps having babies to get more money from the government, it isn't the babies fault that their momma is using them.  Should they suffer and go wanting?  I also know that even though there are men (and women) sitting on their coach watching daytime TV with no real concern about getting a job, there are those people out there who are striving, trying, and working harder than they ever had before just to get by day to day and they need that little extra help.  And I also know that even though every hand has not earned, deserved, or worked for a handout, there are those people who truly are down on their luck.  I would say most of those looking for a hand out are just trying to live...trying to survive...trying to make it just one more day. 

Yes there are reason why people get into troubled times.  But I would not be the person I am today if my Savior did not give me a second chance.  If God took one look at me and decided I was not worth the effort...I am just going to screw it up again...if my wonderful Father in heaven shook His head and said "enough is enough" I would not be where I am today.  By grace, only grace, do we get a second chance.  By grace alone.  Why is it as Christians we are so ungracious with others?  Why is it that we can look down our noses and judge when Jesus Christ only looked up to heaven while He was dying on the cross for us?  Why is it that we can be so holier than thou...so righteous in our unrighteousness, that we think we can look at a person and know for a fact that they are not worthy of our help?

Shame on me.  I have been one of those people.  I have been one of those people who judge without actually knowing anything.  Who walk away when I see and feel real need in someone else.  Who have lived a pretty good life, yet feel like everyone else should be in the same place I am.  I can never know what it is like to be raised by abusive parents...to experience heartache or trauma so great that alcohol or drugs is my only release.  I can never know what goes on in the mind of someone else, because I...am....not...them.  Let me say it again.  I AM NOT THEM.  I have not done what they have done.  I have been fortunate.  I have excellent Godly parents.  I have always had a good education.  I have never known what it was like to have true thirst and hunger.  But I say this as well.  Praise God for change because He is the only one who could take my cold callous heart and make it moldable again.

Here is the part that irritates me.  Christians.  Yes...those of us who claim to follow after Christ's led.  Those of us who know the grace of God.  We complian about taxes and social programs as we are passing the needy in the street.  We yell as loud as we can about how angry we are with those few people who are taking advantage of the situation as we close our eyes to the mother of three who is trying to get some food for her children.  God calls us to take care of these people.  We are to tend to His flock, and yet instead of actually doing anything to help...we complain.  Guess what?  There was, is, and will be needs that we are suppose to meet until Jesus has come again.  The same Christains who complian about abortion and same sex marriages as being the threat against families, do not see the deep and immeadiate need of families already existing.  We frown upon the social programs, yet we are unwilling to do anything ourselves.  Do we not realize that if we were to do what God called us to do there would be no need for these?  If we actually took care of the orphans, widows, sick, needy, and elderly, and I mean more than just throwing money at them.  If we got down in the trenches with them, took a risk, and let them climb on our backs to get out of the mud pit they are stuck in there would be no need for food stamps or health care reform or social security or any other poorly run, overworked, government program.

Please don't miss the point here.  A.) I am a miserable person who would rather step over someone in the streets than bend down to help them.  B.) My God is working in my life to make my heart more pliable.  C.) There are big issues that we face as a country and those that I mentioned above we do need to face, but I know we are missing a big peice of what we should be fighting for: grace for all...not because it is deserved, but because God offered.

Matthew 25:35-40    35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'